In Laws: that terrible word
by blackmunji
Summary: Follow up to Propose. The tale of Howl and Sophie who must now face the dangers of dundundun IN LAWS! Will they survive to marry and tell the tale? Read on...[temporarily on hold]
1. In which Howl actually cleans the castle

Same thing before:

0. All people not mine. Diana Wynne Jones'

1. You read.

2. You like.

2. You hate.

3. You review.

4. You write flame, I send Calcifer, burn you.

4. You write nice, I send Calcifer bring nice present.

5. We all happy.

Good. Now READ!

* * *

The next morning, both Calcifer and Michael were surprised when Howl swept downstairs, picked up Sophie and greeted her with a kiss. They were even more amazed when she didn't attempt to fight him; rather, she socked him gently on the chest as she laughed. 

"Put me down, you cad! Michael and Calcifer are watching and the bacon's burning."

Gently, he set her down, refusing to release her. Twice, Calcifer had to warn Sophie about the bacon and Michael had the hardest time asking Howl what went wrong in his latest experiment before "Miss Angorian" had sprung up.

"Why are you two so detached today?" Michael asked, once he realized that the definition of "coagulated" is _not_ 'a monkey'. But he was unable to get either Sophie's or Howl's attentions.

Before breakfast, Howl cleared his throat. "I… err… have an announcement to make. Sophie and I are getting married."

Michael tried to master the emotions of shock, horror, and happiness in his face before giving up and congratulating them. Calcifer sent off so many fireworks and noise makers that Market Chipping thought it was an attack. "It's about time!"

Sophie blushed but was still able to reprimand Calcifer as she thanked Michael. "Quiet down!—Thank you, Michael—Calcifer! You'll frighten the neighbors!"

"Now that that's over with, let's eat." A forkful of bacon was already on its way to Howl's mouth when Sophie was struck by a question. "Howl… how are we going to let our families know? Especially yours?"

"Oh, I've got that all planned out. We'll put announcements in the papers and invite your family over for lunch. Later, we'll invite Megan and her family over for dinner and get her—ah—acquainted with this world. Then, we can invite BOTH of our families over and watch them quarrel politely over the nature of the wedding!"

"Knowing you, that was too easy and something's going to go wrong," Calcifer muttered, but he dropped the subject as Sophie dropped a log and all the breakfast ends on him, nearly smothering the poor fire demon.

"Howl? Exactly _when_ were you planning to invite our families?"

"Today."

"Today! But we have to get the house tidy and get a proper meal ready instead of stew and leftovers and decorate the house and make sure that Calcifer shuts up when Megan's here until she's ready to take a talking fire and—"

"Slow down, cariad! Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine. Besides, I can take care of the cleaning and decorating. And Michael can do the shopping. I want you to rest today."

"Can you even _sweep_?"

"You've forgotten that I can do this." He muttered a simple cleaning charm and whistled a few notes. Immediately, the house was immaculate.

"You never told me you could do _THAT_! Why'd you make me break my back trying to clean this house?" Sophie asked with a hint of reproach in her voice.

"I just found that spell a few days ago to help your work!" he protested, trying to keep himself from getting that Sophie-glare. "Anyway, the house is clean, all the dishes finally match and the sink is no longer colorful. The spiders I have asked to hide for a while. But I can't guarantee that Calcifer will shut up."

"Oooh! You're infuriating! Why am I marrying you again?" But she wasn't angry at him.

* * *

When she showed Michael the shopping list, he nearly fainted. As it was, he had to sit down hard, as Sophie got him a glass of water. "Sophie! Are you trying to kill me? I can't buy all of this at once!" 

"Make two trips."

* * *

Okies. We all know the drill by now, yes? Constructive criticism please; I really don't know what the psycho side of me will do if you give me evil reviews, and I won't be responsible for any damages, injuries, or hospital bills. 

Thanks to: Anonymous-cat, whoever you are… my first review! Merci beaucoup! Et je t'aime bien!

The Forbidden Fox!

And last but not least, Quill in Hand!

This story was brought to you by psychoticmassmurderer. The K-- Family Foundation. And, by Viewers Like You.

P-------------------- out!


	2. In which There is no plot whatsoever

Okay, I hopes by now youse knows da drill. Why art thou thpeaking in pidgin mikthed with weally bad gangthter accent, Wethwie deaweth? And why are _YOU_ speaking with that idiotic lisp, Wethwie deaweth?

Anyways, unless you are hopeless, like certain members of my friends, or just hate to read boring author's notes, you should know what to do by now.

My alter egos have said their parts. Now then, next part has a bit of the first chappie to jog your memory.

Shall we go? Well, then! Tally ho!

P.S. Leslie hasn't read book in long time... has a bugger of a time finding the blasted book, you mean!...Language, language, Leslie. What will the people think?...-.- anyway, if you find any discrepencies with the book, let me know (ie, I put Sophie's bedroom in the wrong place, or I spell Martha's workplace wrong, etc.)

* * *

When she showed Michael the shopping list, he nearly fainted. As it was, he had to sit down hard, as Sophie got him a glass of water. "Sophie! Are you trying to kill me? I can't buy all of this at once!" 

"Make two trips."

* * *

When Howl returned at about 11 with the Hatters' reply, Sophie had almost everything done. Unfortunately for the spiders, she had found their hiding place and had gone ballistic trying to chase them all out of the house. Michael _had_ helped with the basics of cooking (measuring, mixing things she told him to mix, etc.) but Sophie had to do the rest. The one good thing about this was that Calcifer was too tired to do anything but rest for the remainder of the day. At least he wouldn't disturb Megan. Sophie had made sure that all the dinner dishes were supposed to be eaten cold. 

_But it's not as bad as it could've been. I'm young again, without any aches and pains except for residual magic. I actually feel up to doing both a lunch and a dinner. And best of all, everything's done. Except for my changing. Oh gods! I have nothing to wear!_ Sophie realized with a start that none of her clothes were completely suited for a formal luncheon and dinner with company. Her grey silk was long threadbare and quite suited to its use as cleaning dress. All her other frocks were simple, as suited a hatter's daughter. And the clothes Howl had bought for her to wear when she had to convince the king not to send for Howl were _certainly_ not suited for this occasion.

"Sophie! What's this I hear about you cooking lunch and dinner? Not to mention driving all my spiders to who knows where? I thought I told you to rest," Howl yelled from below.

"Since when were any of you any good at cooking? Calcifer would burn the salad… literally! Michael's only good at making pancakes and sandwiches. And I haven't seen any culinary genius in you as of yet! And your spiders would drive even Megan crazy! Now get up here, I need you," Sophie bawled back.

With a pop, Howl appeared in her room.

"Eep!" she cried."When I said get up here, I didn't think you'd come _that_ fast!"

"You wound me, Sophie," Howl said in a mock gallant tone. "Not being able to come to my betrothed's aid in her time of need? Perish the thought! Now why does Mrs. Nose need my help?"

"I have nothing to wear."

As it turned out, Howl _had_ remembered the state of her wardrobe (not that he had any good things to say about it) and had taken the liberty to buy her a new dress. And it wasn't grey.

It was a beautiful gown. The color was richer than any green she'd seen before—"Gwyrddlas," Howl supplied— but not too deep. It was rich, but not heavy. The bodice was shot through with gold threads in a smoke pattern that extended into the skirt before disappearing into wisps. The skirt was not very full, made to drape on the body instead, with only a slight bustle. In fact, the only problem Sophie had with it was the décolletage (a very fancy word for neckline, for those who don't know), which was embroidered with gold and lower than anything she had ever worn. Not that anything she had worn _ever_ went below her collarbone.

"It's _beautiful_! Where'd you get it from?"

"Err... " Howl fumbled for words, before settling with "There's nothing too expensive for me to buy you, cariad. And I enchanted it to change color and style as you want, as long as the amount of fabric is always the same."

"I'll be ready soon. Go away!"

* * *

Okay, the dress is that color because I, quite frankly, have no fashion sense AT ALL. I have NO idea whatsoever on how to dress to compliment me, much less a person whose only description I remember is that she's caucasian with red gold (GINGER!Sophie) hair. If you have any tips for a color that's good on her, please let me know... and while you're at it, would it be too much to ask what looks good on a short Asian kid with slightly tanned skin? Nah, that last part was just kidding. Any way, until next time! 

Au revoir, mes amis! (assuming there IS a male in the audience reading this)

Oh yes, I almost forgot. What clothing _would_ a working class girl from semi-Victorianish age (from movie) wear? I'm guessing apron, simple dress, no fancy sleeves, somber color, at least one petticoat. And boots. And stockings.

That was the longest author's note I've ever written. And now I will be a good friend and shut up.

And i'm sorry there was no plot WHATsoever in here... Leslie's thinking just went from ballistic spiders to meal, but this just walked in and didn't leave even when i smashed it to bits with my hammer...T.T

Okay, i changed the color of the dress... was red before, is now green. Apparently there is no one word for green, but they don't cover green in the sense that English does... gwyrddlas was one of the many that came up. Why gwyrddlas? Because it also means verdant.


	3. In which Howl is grilled, like a fish

Because the Great Leslie is feeling slothful today, she will NOT put in a section of the last installment in this new installment. Negative, the Great Splendiferous Leslie will enter a synopsis of the preceding chapter in this installment of the premarital woes of Howl and Sophie. Furthermore, the Great Splendiferous and Magnificent Leslie is feeling increasingly egotistical by the nanosecond and wishes to utilize unnecessarily long words and pontificate to her heart's delight!

Translation: There will be summay in this chap. of prev. chap. cuz meesa lazy. Me also have delusions of grandeur and feels like talking like a politician.

And you know the drill.

Okay? Good. READ!

P.S. Does Megan have a job? I wish to keep as accurate as possible, but I just don't remember... for now, she will be a CPA/mother

* * *

Sophie wound up cooking anyway, exhausting Calcifer and herself in the process. Also, she found the hidden spiders and went ballistic chasing them out of the house. Howl surprised her in two ways: by popping into her room and getting her a new GREEN (yes, i change it!) dress that she loved, and now, on with the story! (Try saying that all in one breath? Go on... I dare ya!)

* * *

The first of the awkward questions came in the middle of the second course, a nice garlic and butter shrimp dish that Sophie had had a devil of a time in making... apparently, talking to your meal is not advisable; they may come alive and start running away or attempt to put out a certain fire demon. 

"So, Howl," Fanny said. "Where exactly does your family live?"

Caught off guard, Howl choked on a piece of shrimp even a two year old could've swallowed with ease and Michael dropped his fork and hit his head on the table while retrieving it. Consequently, Sophie had to help Howl recover his composure and stomp on Michael's foot, glaring daggers at the two all the while.

"Was it something I said?" Fanny asked, alarmed by these proceedings.

"Oh, no, no, no...hack I...err... they live a long way from here," Howl said uncertainly. "A very long way," he repeated as if to confirm the matter with himself. "In fact, they...err... live across the sea."

"Will they be coming?" Lettie asked, oblivious to what had just occured. Then again, most of her mind was away with thoughts of Suliman.

"Err.. Yes! Of course!" Sophie answered hastily. "I've only met them once, but they were lovely people."

"But they live so far away that they'll only be here for a little while." Howl chimed in.

"I don't think you'll be able to meet them often before the wedding." Sophie finished.

* * *

The next dish, a sauteed fish, scallop and vegetable dish (Sophie had thought that maybe seafood was a good idea, as Market Chipping, being far from the ocean, rarely got fresh fish.) passed without any problems. The conversation was light and concentrated aroung airy nothings. 

It was the last course before dessert, a simple fried chicken dish (Sophie had also thought maybe seafood would be strange to her family and she should serve something they would eat) that made everything come tumbling down.

It was Martha that was the cause of that.

"Do you have any siblings, Howl? What do they do?"

As Howl had very little idea of what Megan did, he improvised that she was the wife of a chandler (that's a candlemaker, yes?) who worked for the Grand High Solemness of Cymru making candles for festivities and religious purposes. Megan herself was a tax collector, he said. In reality, she was CPA. Either way, Howl didn't know and didn't care to know Megan's job. He only knew that it had to do with taxes.

"Is Cymru the place they live? What's it like there?"

"It's very rainy, windy, but it also clears up often and we have lovely weather. It's hilly with lots of little rivers. And it has a history of different people."

"And how do you intend to support Sophie? Will you move back to Cymru, or stay here?" Fanny asked, horribly mangling the name of Megan's "country."

* * *

On and on, they grilled poor Howl, asking him question after question after prying question. In a way, even though they were only trying to make sure he would take good care of Sophie, they were worse than all the protective fathers, mothers, and Spanish Inquisitors in both worlds. 

Finally, Lettie caught a discrepency in the middle of the fruit pudding Sophie had made for dessert.

"You said that Megan's brother-in-law's stepdaughter's husband's name was Jonathan. Now you call him Joseph!"

"Err... (HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THESE THINGS, YOU HARPIES!) Just...just a slip of the tongue?"

"All the things you said were lies, weren't they? I bet you're not going to stay true to Sophie and run off with someone!" Martha chimed in.

It took Howl the truth about his life and family and several oaths that were almost signed in blood to swear that he would stay true to Sophie before Fanny, Martha, and Lettie were convinced of Howl's integrity and faithfulness. During this, Lettie kept bringing up his short-lived courtship of her and Martha kept hinting that Michael had told her about his many dalliances. Calcifer was no help either. Every time someone showed signs of relenting, he would bring up something from earlier which would set them off again.

* * *

Finally, the lunch was over. As Sophie and Michael cleared up the dishes and Calcifer snickered in the fireplace, Howl sank back into his chair, craddling his head. 

"Dear god, Sophie! Are those in-laws or watchdogs that I'm marrying into! And how do they remember these things? I don't even know if Megan _has_ a brother-in-law!"

"That's your look out now, isn't it? You should've been more careful when you proposed to me."

"At the time it seemed like a good idea."

Lines of this sort passed back and forth while Sophie and Michael finally got a moment's respite before the dinner.

"Have you gotten Megan's answer?"

"Yes. She's coming. The only good thing about her coming is that she's bringing the children. She won't have the opportunity to eat me alive in front of them. I'm just hoping the presence of my fiancee will deter her from decrying my hopelessness too much."

"I can understand how Megan got that way, with you as a brother. You're my betrothed and I still can't stand you! What would it have been like to grow up with you around."

"I'll have you know that I was a model child! I was angelic, obedient, and--"

"And you made life a horror for Megan who was to look after you. I'll bet she took all the blame and took it out on you later."

"I did not! Well, there _was_ that one time... or no, those two times... no, wait..."

* * *

When dinner came around, Howl became distinctly more cheerful by the moment. When asked about this sudden change of mood by Sophie, he replied that "I've already been sentenced by the grand high inquisitoresses. Now it's your turn." 

To which Sophie retorted, "They're supposed to be assimliating Ingary, not interrogating me."

To which Howl quipped, "Mark my words, cariad, they'll question you until you feel like me."

* * *

Hi! That was long and tedious, wasn't it? I can't help but feel sorry for Howl. What'll happen to Sophie? 

Went to see the movie for the second time... I will not say anything about the people who sat behind us, only that they all left with a new crush... which makes no sense to me. He's only a computer animation! Go and read the d book already!

Anyway, they seem very OOC. I really don't know why. I go on autopilot just for 15 minutes, just 15 lousy minutes, and they all ran away without me! I'm sorry, dear readers, I truly am.

Ilg-guh suh gomapdah! (Thank you for bearing with my horrible writing. Or if you want the literal translation, "Because you read, thank you!", inf.)

Au revoir, mes ami(e)s! Et merci! And danke, and grazie, and gracias, and gratias multas, and arigatou gozaimasu, and efharisto, and mahalo nui loa, and diolch o galon.

Oh yes, and Cymru is Welsh for Wales, I believe. Please feel free to correct any discrepencies.


	4. In which Neil sees things

Okies...

YOU WADDLE, YOU WADDLE, YOU WADDLE LIKE A PENGUIN!

My sister has just taught me that... I have now officially declared it the 5th Nat'l anthem of Leslie-land! Okay, i feel weird and sleep-deprived today... maybe cuz i AM!

YAY! leslie re-read the book for the thirteenth time! okay, sophie live UNDER stairs... now must go change it!...(; ;)... anyway, i have friend who like movie better than book. I find that sad. I prefer the book; Howl is funnier and Sophie has magic. And there's a lot of happy endings. And she has a magic staff/stick/wand.

There shall be summary of prev. chappie then story. Ok? And you know the rules. Good. On your mark, get set, BANANA! On you mark, get set, GUAVA! On your mark, get set, PRUNE! On your mark, get set, LYCH-- shut up already and let them read, you dum-bass!--fine, then!-- GO!

* * *

Howl got grilled, like a fish. Nothing else to it, really. Fanny, Lettie, and Martha did the honors. 

Now, is it Sophie's turn?

* * *

Around seven, there came a knock at the door. After taking a deep breath, Howl slowly turned the knob black-down. Then he waited for a few seconds. Finally, he opened the door, just as Megan was about to knock again. She looked more than a little annoyed by that. 

"Megan, Mari, Neil! Welcome!"

"Who're they?" Neil wanted to know, looking at Sophie and Michael a bit warily.

"Sophie's my housekeeper and Michael...err... he's a boarder. He...erm... needed a place to stay and I...needed the money."

"So, Howell. What have you been up to now? Lazing about still?"

"I'll have you know, I have a job. An HONEST one."

He was cut off by an squeal from Mari who had been patiently waiting for all the grown-up talk to stop.

"Uncle Howell, Uncle Howell! There's a SPIDER over there! Kill it, kill it!"

"Mari, cariad! You shouldn't be afraid of a spider; they're more afraid of you than you are of them. Look how much bigger you are than one. It's probably quaking in its boots. Let the spider run away."

"All right."

Meanwhile, Neil was taking down mental notes. _Mari Notes, Number 34268: Also scared by spiders..._

There was a large, awkward silence.

"Very well, then. Shall we go eat now?"

"Yes, let's. Mari, Neil. Time to eat."

"I heard you the first time, Mum." Neil scowled, but followed them all to the table.

Michael had left after being introduced. He did not want to see any green slime suddenly manifest in everyone's food.

* * *

Most of the dinner conversation was held up single-handedly by Mari's chirping (not like she's annoying kind chirping, _cheerful_, child chirping). She did not seem to notice that the only conversation the Grown-Ups made to each other consisted mostly of Megan complimenting some dishes, Sophie replying thank you, Megan ragging on Howl, and Howl nagging back. All in all, it would've been a rather somber affair without Mari.

By the second course, she had decided that Sophie should be her new big sister or aunt and kept asking Howl if he was going to marry her.

Howl was waiting and waiting for Megan to grill Sophie, but it never happened, a fact that made Sophie rather smug.

Sophie was beginning to see that Howl wasn't totally wrong about Megan, but was still civil, trying to change that impression.

Neil was lost in the shuffle and contented himself with looking at the fire and imagining a face in it.

Michael was not there, having dinner at Martha's house.

* * *

Before they went on to the dessert, Howl stood.

"Megan, Neil, Mari, I have two announcements to make. First, Sophie's not just my housekeeper; she's also my fiancee."

Mari was over-joyed. "That means I have a new aunt! When are you getting married? I think Sophie will be a nice aunt. She seems nice, doesn't she, Neil?"

Megan, however looked more relieved than thrilled. "It's about time you got engaged. Maybe you'll settle down now and get an honest occupation. Maybe you'll actually be a credit to us for once." Then she turned to Sophie with a rather tired smile. "I wish you luck in your marriage--"

Before she got any farther, Neil backed away from the table suddenly.

"Did you see that, did you see that? The fire, it _winked_ at me. It moved... there it goes again!"

"Neil, sit down. It must've been a trick of the light."

"Actually, I _had_ hoped to ease you into this, but I guess not. Megan, I'm a wizard."

"A _what?_ Did I hear you correctly? There are no such things as wizards, just as there is no such thing as magic. Aren't you taking this game a little too far, Howell?"

"Dammit, Megan, I am a wizard! If you must know, you're not in Wales anymore. You're in a country called Ingary where magic does exist. The fire is actually a fire demon named Calcifer. He and I were under a contract which Sophie broke to save our lives."

Mari was thrilled. "Magic is real?"

Sophie broke in. "Yes, Mari, it's real. But you can't tell anyone in your Wales about us."

"It's okay. The kids at school wouldn't believe me anyway. They all say Uncle Howell is just a shiftless unemployed bum. The girls think he's good looking, though."

"You see? Your reputation is already in tatters with the children! Must you have them believe you're crazy too?"

"Uncle Howell? There's someone at the door looking for a Wizard Pendragon."

"What? Oh, Lord."

* * *

GAHH! Leslie feels like this was a clunker of a chapter: everything is forced and it doesn't sit right with me. Meh... 

REview kindly, please. THis is NOT one of my stellar pieces. TT

I need a break... and a sabbatical, and **_HELP!_**

Thank you for listening to my rant and crap.****


	5. In which Calcifer turns funny colors!

Heehee... i likey this chappie: Calcifer turns funny colors!

GASP! I HAVE FINALLY UPDATED! Wow. that's all i can say. quite frankly, i had massive writer's block coupled with too much to do.

i'd blame marching band, but it's not that bad; only two hours a day. and it's kind of fun to see unnamed, for security purposes> piss off other unnamed, for security purposes>.

but i DO blame marching band for my sock tan, shorts tan, and sleeve tan. they weren't there when we went to band camp, they weren't there when we returned; they came during the three days AFTER band camp that we marched! but we got our uniforms and we'll be getting capes.

and for those who want to know, i play the flute. NO SNIDE JOKES ABOUT "AMERICAN PIE," OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU. seriously. one of the previous years, my friend said the security guard was asking "where are the flutes, where are the flutes?" absolutely despicable.

ANYway, on with the drill, right? You DON'T? very well, i shall re-post it here:

0. All people not mine. Diana Wynne Jones'.

1. You read.

2. You like.

2. You hate.

3. You review.

4. You write flame, I send Calcifer, burn you.

4. You write nice/constructive criticism (okay, i just added that part in this time, but still. if you hate it, tell me NICEly.), i send Calcifer, give nice present. Probably a brownie. We have a surplus of those

5. We all happy.

Good. now that it's fresh in your mind, read!

* * *

In the previous chapter... 

Megan at dinner with them, when she gets introduced to Howl's double life rather unexpectedly. AND a messenger comes for him. Oh dear...

* * *

"Lord, what a night!" Howl groaned as he sank into his chair for the second time that day, this time clutching a brandy. "Where did it go so wrong?" 

"When you decided to plan everything for letting your families know of the engagement," Calcifer retorted. He was still smarting over some of the more unpleasant aspects of what had happened afterward.

"I think I begin to see your point about Megan, though," Sophie put in, trying to find light in the situation.

Michael was too busy laughing in the corner about what occured.

* * *

The resulting happenings had been horrible. Howl had to leave the man waiting for a good half hour at the door, as he attempted to placate a hysterical Megan. After focusing a double barreled glare on him, she had asked him to tell the truth. He did, in calm words, trying to gloss over many of the aspects of that part of life. 

In the middle, Megan had completely lost it, screaming at him to let him out of this madhouse, throwing things at him. Neil hadn't helped either, stammering about "the Calcifer." He let a girlish shriek when Calcifer began to strike up a conversation with him, purely to scare him. It is by no means settling to have a fire demon yell at you across the room.

Howl barely had time to banish the dinner dishes safely into the kitchen before she found a bucket of Sophie's weed killer and thrown it at him.

Unfortunately, Megan had terrible aim and nearly drowned Calcifer with it, not to mention the ickier aspects of the weed killer. Howl didn't manage to properly get rid of it all, and this resulted in a show far scarier than the impromptu fireworks display that morning.

Calcifer had let out one or two small hacks that made him sound as if he were dying. His flames burned lower and lower until he was a mere two flames. Then, after a few tense moments, when Howl, Sophie, and Mari had crowded round the injured fire demon, he had suddenly roared into a huge twisting column of fire—only he was weird colors. He wasn't JUST green, purple, blue, and orange; he had turned pink, brown, and just about any color you could name.

After that, he went... mildly… _psycho_. It was as if he had been drunk. Everyone in the room had their eyebrows singed off, and Howl quickly sent him to the Wastes.

Megan had gone into hysterics again, this time joined by Neil, not surprisingly. He hadn't even been anywhere near the fire, yet the conversation, coupled with the magical weed-killer enhancement had thoroughly shaken him.

By the time they had Megan calmed down, she was drunk as four skunks (the only thing that seemed to work was brandy), and it was time for them to leave. Mari was the only happy one in that bunch; she didn't even seem to miss her eyebrows and wanted to know how she would look bald. Neil looked very shell-shocked—"He's going to need therapy…" Howl had muttered—and pale.

By the time Howl had gotten Megan and the children home safely, the man at the door had been drizzled on slightly, nearly the unsuspecting target of an emptying chamberpot, and chased by a random dog. All in all, he was in a very bad temper.

When Sophie opened the door, she couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for the man.

"I'm sorry about the delay; his sister has come to visit. What did you want him for?"

In clipped, expressionless words, he delivered his message:

"The King and Wizard Suliman both require Wizard Pendragon's presence at the castle precisely at 7:32 tomorrow morning, Madam Witch"

"I'll be sure to tell him that. Would you like a cup of tea?"

"No, thank you, Madam Witch." He turned and left stiffly, walking with more injured dignity than anyone she'd ever seen. And now, she could why: The seat of the man's trousers had been bitten by the afore-mentioned dog during the course of the chase.

* * *

Howl clutched at his glass of brandy (or what was left of it. For someone like her, Megan could drink quite a bit.), staring off into space. "Calcifer. Shut up." He drained the brandy and poured another (the last of it, actually). "I think I prefered your family to mine." 

"Then you should've eloped. Not that Sophie would've let you," Michael added hastily. "Anyway, I'm glad I only have to deal with one set of parents."

"What makes you think we won't act _in loco parentis_? You _were_ left in my care, you know," Howl retorted, and they became engaged in a minor squabble.

Sophie glanced at the clock. "Oh stars! Look at the time! Both of you stop it! Howl, off to bed: you need to put the engagement in the papers, if you haven't already, and you need to be at the castle early tomorrow. Michael, you're meeting my familiy tomorrow, aren't you? You should get to bed too. Calcifer--oh."

The fire demon had fallen asleep during the squabble, probably due to his unlucky ingestion of magical weed-killer.

Michael dutifully trotted up to his room, but Howl lingered.

"You should go to bed too, Mrs. Nose, instead of caring for everyone but yourself." There was a tenderness in his voice that hadn't been there before, and it made Sophie uncomfortable.

"I'll be fine." She gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek. "You go to bed."

* * *

Ai-ya. turned fluffy towards end. poor Calcifer! Megan, a roaring drunk. who would've thought? 

anyways, review, s'il vous plait? (can't do an accent circonflexe over the "i." imagine it's there!) And i really won't have much time after school starts to do many updates anyway, so they will be few and far between.

Until the next update, then! Ciao!


	6. In which The soontobe newlyweds fight

Same thing before:

0. All people not mine. Diana Wynne Jones's

1. You read.

2. You like.

2. You hate.

3. You review.

4. You write flame, I send Calcifer, burn you.

4. You write nice, I send Calcifer bring nice present.

5. We all happy.

Good. Let's get on with the story.

* * *

Sophie woke with a start, blinking blearily into the-no, it wasn't dark... why wasn't it dark? It's always dark under stairs until... Sophie shrieked, and thus began another hair-raising morning in the moving castle.

* * *

"What I'm trying to understand," Calcifer managed to wheeze out between laughs, "is _why_ you thought it would be a good idea to have Sophie sleep in your bed?"

Howl glared ferociously at him, nursing the red handprint on his face with an icepack conjured from Wales. "I thought she deserved a softer bed than that straw pallet under the stairs..." he muttered.

"But why'd you crawl in after her?" Calcifer snorted. "Oh Lord... you'd think the man would have at least the common sense to sleep on the floor..."

"Why should I have to deny myself creature comforts in order to make my fiancée more comfortable?" Howl sulked.

Sophie was massaging her temples and refusing to speak to Howl, or even make breakfast. Calcifer, of course, was too busy ribbing Howl for the morning's incident. And Howl, being Howl, was wont to conjure up green slime any second, but wasn't, for fear that it would make Sophie angrier.

Michael, seeing the way the wind was blowing, quietly slipped out for breakfast with Martha. He had briefly contemplated his chances of survival if he told Howl that his hair was a lovely shade of lavender with dashing streaks of navy, but decided that eating bacon was much better than becoming it.

* * *

"Who does he think he is? What on Earth could have possessed the man to think... argghhh! He's so selfish!" Sophie growled at every kitchen and cleaning implement as she attacked the castle with a fury that hadn't been seen since her second day of work as housekeeper. Calcifer dutifully kept quiet; Sophie's newest dish-washing liquid bore an eerie resemblance to her last weed-killer.

"And now he doesn't even have the decency to come back home... Slither-outer. Coward. Selfish, over-grown brat. Gahh! I need to talk to someone else... Calcifer! I'm going out!"

"Are you coming back?" he asked timidly.

"YES," she punctuated, with a door-slam.

* * *

"... and now she won't even shpeak to me! What'm I shupposed to _do_?" Howl, or more properly, Howell Jenkins, cried, half-sobbing, half-yelling, at the bartender.

The bartender, whose name was Edward, was very confused. It was his first day on the job, and he hadn't expected quite so _many_ crying drunks in the establishment. Then again, he thought, with a name like "The Mournful Hog," he realized he shouldn't have been surprised. "Cheer up, lad," he attempted to comfort the maudlin wanker. "It'll get better. Just get home and apologize to her... Although the state you're in..."

"Apologize?" Howell blinked owlishly at the rather large man calmly wiping down tumblers before him. "Apologize... That's it! I'll apologize! You're a genius, Bob!" He swept the bartender into an enormous hug that knocked over every glass within a three foot radius. Edward gave the-admittedly few-people around him an apologetic glance, shrugging. The drinks' owners nodded. They'd been listening to the rambling, violet-haired drunkard for over an hour, yet couldn't _leave_.

"But how do I go home like thish? I can't go home like thish! Shophie'll _kill_ me!" He seemed on the verge of tears again.

"Well... you can either tell her truth, or you can buy her some flowers and a nice box of chocolates and hope she doesn't ask why."

"Flowersh! Shoc'latsh! You're brilliant!" The now distinctly royal-purple crowned sot stumbled out of the door. "By th'way, George, mind bartending at our wedding? Thanksh!"

"Thank God!" exclaimed one of the people at the bar. "I thought he'd never shut up!" Edward nodded sympathetically. He wasn't allowed to get involved in personal lives of customers, just keep him paying.

"He couldn't even get your name right once, Joe... Joe, have I told you about the time my girl..."

Edward sighed. Only 4 in the afternoon and people were getting sloshed. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

"...and-and-and I just don't know what's _wrong_ with me! What's wrong with him! What's wrong with both of us!" Sophie cried, half-bawling, half-shouting, feeling particularly odd and out of sorts.

"Sophie... I think you're blowing this out of proportion. It's perfectly normal to feel wedding anxiety. You're about to take one of the biggest steps of your life." Lettie said, not unsympathetically. "I've just come out of a huge row with Ben myself, and it was perfectly horrendous... all the good china smashed to pieces before we mended..." Lettie laughed. "I've found that the key to it is admitting you were both wrong and learning to accommodate each other. We both know Howl is a dirty bastard- oh all right. Ben's been rubbing off on me. We both know Howl isn't the most honest of men, but his heart's definitely in the right place. At least, now it is. You should go back and give him a chance. But let him know firmly that you won't take his cr-I mean, you won't take his garbage."

"Thanks, Lettie. I feel much better now... I should go back now. It's getting late, and I should make dinner."

"Be careful on the way back. I hope things get better."

"I will. Give my regards to Ben."

* * *

It was about midnight when Howl walked in, only slightly off-balance, bearing a large bouquet of chocolate kisses.

"Howl! Where have you been? Do you know what time it is? I was so worried..."

"Sophie. It's alright. I'm fine... I just... I want to apologize. I know I'm a selfish cad"- "Recognition of a problem is the beginning of-" "Shut up, Calcifer. As I was saying, I know I'm a selfish cad and don't deserve someone as good as you, but I will try to make this work. And I promise I won't pull any more stunts like the one from this morning."

"Oh Howl... And I promise to try accept your moods. But I will not be a doormat. Just ask me how I feel about things before you decide to rush headlong into them?"

"Fair enough... These are for you. They're chocolate flowers."

"Oh Howl..." Sophie put them on the table and kissed him.

"Howl... you reek of alcohol. Have you been drinking?"

"Well... I think we've acquired a bartender for the wedding..."

"What?"

* * *

I decided I shouldn't leave without leaving a morsel... enjoy!


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